I thought that after nights of drowning myself in tears, I would be alright. Apparently not. I tried putting on a brave front. But deep down, I know I’m not happy, I know I’m not. Fear had long overwhelmed me, taking away my concentration, controlling the direction of my life.
Troubled. Lost.
I know that the road of uncertainty awaits me. The road which seems so clear became hazy, all of a sudden. I see myself walking along that obscured road, all by myself. I know it got to be yet another long lonely journey.
Alone. Afraid.
I kind of enjoy the current life, being just another random nobody. Friends talk to me because of who I am, not what I am. After so many years, I finally felt the love from true genuine friends all over again.
I haven’t had such friends for quite a long while, I thought.
I’m unsure how things would change when I come back. I don’t even know if I have to leave eventually because the appeal is still pending. But the chances of getting approved is just so so so high. And when it gets approved, my new school term will only begin in January 2008.
Year 2008? That’s just so far away.
I thought that I have gotten over with the emotional part of me. But it doesn’t seem so. I get the jitters whenever the phone vibrates. Half of me want to throw the phone away, the other half of me want to know the current status badly so that I could make some concrete plans; to make that hazy view a much clearer one.
Sorry that I made you guys worried by skipping the Math lecture. I just feel like crying after receiving that dreaded phone call. I haven’t cried in front of a friend for a long long while and I don’t want to.
Heartfelt thanks to my friends (be it online or offline) who made known to me that I could count on them should I need someone to talk to. Thanks for the love and concern that was showered over me. I must be really blessed to have such friends.
No worries, I promise that I will be cheery again. I don’t know how long would that last since the official letter would arrive either next week or the week after. I still hope that I don’t have to go. I know it’s kind of silly to cry over such things. But separation from friends is the one of the few things that could hit me really hard, especially now, when I have such a nice bunch of friends around me. *big hug* :)
Edit: My dad and mum are still on cold wars, with the occasional shoutings. Mummy had been out the whole day, refusing to reveal where she headed to despite constant probing. She haven’t had her dinner for days. And know what, daddy is also not having his dinner today. *sigh*
Thanks: Pei Shan, Nana, Jenn~, Jessica, Yingna, gwen, Theresa, tiara
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to put them into words.
It’s set. I have to go.
I know that things would be just so so so different when I’m back.
No longer will I be able to work on the projects with people whom I call friends.
No longer will I have anyone to tag along during the long hours of breaks.
No longer will there be anyone to help me out with school work.
No longer will there be anyone to share my candies with.
No one to bully me, no one for me to bully.
I’ll have to leave school for a semester. Thereafter, when I come back,
I’ll be back, sitting all by myself at the lecture theaters.
I’ll be back, debugging my codes, all by myself.
I’ll be back, struggling with school work, all by myself.
I’ll be back, having no one to tag along with.
I’ll be back, having no one to speak to.
I know that I’ll still get to see my friends. But odds are that we can hardly take any common modules when I come back. Things would be really really different.
I know it’s a great big golden opportunity awaiting me, but I’m not at all enthusiastic about it. It’s all back to the obligation issue; I have to go and so I go.
I know I’ll miss my friends, not only because I don’t like to speak much, and thus have lesser friends. But because, you guys are one of the bestest friends I ever had. Life would be just so different without you guys.
No, I’m not dying, just terribly down. I don’t wish to dwell too much on this matter until the official letter comes, that is when I’m finally allowed to make that opportunity known. Till then, I’ll still be praying hard that there’s a change of plan. *hugs all*