I thought that after nights of drowning myself in tears, I would be alright. Apparently not. I tried putting on a brave front. But deep down, I know I’m not happy, I know I’m not. Fear had long overwhelmed me, taking away my concentration, controlling the direction of my life.

Troubled. Lost.

I know that the road of uncertainty awaits me. The road which seems so clear became hazy, all of a sudden. I see myself walking along that obscured road, all by myself. I know it got to be yet another long lonely journey.

Alone. Afraid.

I kind of enjoy the current life, being just another random nobody. Friends talk to me because of who I am, not what I am. After so many years, I finally felt the love from true genuine friends all over again.

I haven’t had such friends for quite a long while, I thought.

I’m unsure how things would change when I come back. I don’t even know if I have to leave eventually because the appeal is still pending. But the chances of getting approved is just so so so high. And when it gets approved, my new school term will only begin in January 2008.

Year 2008? That’s just so far away.

I thought that I have gotten over with the emotional part of me. But it doesn’t seem so. I get the jitters whenever the phone vibrates. Half of me want to throw the phone away, the other half of me want to know the current status badly so that I could make some concrete plans; to make that hazy view a much clearer one.

Sorry that I made you guys worried by skipping the Math lecture. I just feel like crying after receiving that dreaded phone call. I haven’t cried in front of a friend for a long long while and I don’t want to.

Heartfelt thanks to my friends (be it online or offline) who made known to me that I could count on them should I need someone to talk to. Thanks for the love and concern that was showered over me. I must be really blessed to have such friends.

No worries, I promise that I will be cheery again. I don’t know how long would that last since the official letter would arrive either next week or the week after. I still hope that I don’t have to go. I know it’s kind of silly to cry over such things. But separation from friends is the one of the few things that could hit me really hard, especially now, when I have such a nice bunch of friends around me. *big hug* :)

Edit: My dad and mum are still on cold wars, with the occasional shoutings. Mummy had been out the whole day, refusing to reveal where she headed to despite constant probing. She haven’t had her dinner for days. And know what, daddy is also not having his dinner today. *sigh*

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to put them into words.

It’s set. I have to go.

I know that things would be just so so so different when I’m back.

No longer will I be able to work on the projects with people whom I call friends.
No longer will I have anyone to tag along during the long hours of breaks.
No longer will there be anyone to help me out with school work.
No longer will there be anyone to share my candies with.
No one to bully me, no one for me to bully.

I’ll have to leave school for a semester. Thereafter, when I come back,

I’ll be back, sitting all by myself at the lecture theaters.
I’ll be back, debugging my codes, all by myself.
I’ll be back, struggling with school work, all by myself.
I’ll be back, having no one to tag along with.
I’ll be back, having no one to speak to.

I know that I’ll still get to see my friends. But odds are that we can hardly take any common modules when I come back. Things would be really really different.

I know it’s a great big golden opportunity awaiting me, but I’m not at all enthusiastic about it. It’s all back to the obligation issue; I have to go and so I go.

I know I’ll miss my friends, not only because I don’t like to speak much, and thus have lesser friends. But because, you guys are one of the bestest friends I ever had. Life would be just so different without you guys.

No, I’m not dying, just terribly down. I don’t wish to dwell too much on this matter until the official letter comes, that is when I’m finally allowed to make that opportunity known. Till then, I’ll still be praying hard that there’s a change of plan. *hugs all*

I don’t really wish to talk these days. Maybe not.

I wish there’s someone whom I can have a long meaningful conversation with.

Mentally, physically, emotionally drained.

I wish I could go on hiding, somewhere, some place far away.

Edit: Adding on to my misery and state of loss, my parents just quarreled. My mum cried. My dad left the house without saying much. I don’t know what happened. *sigh* I guess that the house would be really quiet for the next few days or weeks. Either that or they would be shouting at each other again.

I’m one of those people who never have the courage to clear things up, even if I’m being given labels which I know I’m not, and never will be. I thought that at the end of the day, you just have to answer to yourself, your conscience. That, you shouldn’t be bothered about how others view you. For all I know, my conscience’s always clear. But, I’m not at all happy.

I mean it can be rather sad when your friends view you as someone who’s really selfish, petty, and everything bad just because you don’t do the things they expect you to. It’s hard to live on others’ expectations, I say.

I guess it’s much of human nature to view others negatively. I’m sometimes guilty for that too. I know I’m a lousy friend. No, make that a very very lousy one. It’s really heart wrenching to hear those negative comments which is just so so so untrue. Honestly, I just feel so so so helpless whenever the negative remarks were thrown straight at my face. Not because I can’t take criticism, but my failure to make things clear.

I should have cleared things up. I know I should. But I never have the courage to. I always have that same old problem which I could never get over with, years after years. I just don’t know how to let my feelings show. All I could do, is just to pray that time would prove everything.

To the group of guys whom I’m always sticking around with:

You know, I get really really upset that you guys doubt my words, that you guys thought that I’m always unwilling to help. Truth is, I’m dying to help. I would really love to help to guys to get drinks and food during lunch hours, offer my tissues, help out in the homework and assignment. But most of the time, I don’t have the courage to ask. It even took me quite a while to offer my candies to you guys during lectures, if you haven’t realised. It may seem like no big deal, but to me, it took me a lot of courage to do so. I always have that same old problem making the first move.

And at times when I chose to help, I was said to be in pretense. It’s really really hurtful. And that actually requires me to have more courage than usual just because I know that I would be greeted with yet another sarcastic remark when I’m trying to offer my help. Life’s tough, I say.

I know that I once said that one should try to do things by his/ her own. For that, I’m actually referring to myself. But my words got interpreted the wrong way, that I’m reluctant to help because no one should ask others to do things for them, that he/ she should do it on his/ her own. That’s definitely not what I meant.

Honestly, it meant something significant to me to be able to do things my own. And in addition to help others. It just meant a lot to me. Thus, I never really ask for help even if I’m struggling. It’s not that I know everything. I’m just too afraid to ask, after all I had been figuring things out all by myself all these years.

I guess I got so offended by the comments because I really value each and every one of you. You guys make great friends, really. I guess I just need some time, not to change myself from a selfish ass to a helpful one, but to have the courage to ask. I don’t know how long that will be. But I’m praying hard that it wouldn’t be anytime too late to salvage this friendship. I’m really afraid to lose you guys one day.

Remember the golden opportunity I was told to think over? You guys were the main reason that made me unsure of the decision I should make, and still are. I still want to tag along with you guys for lunch, bus journeys, train journeys, to the labs, lecture theaters, anywhere, everywhere. I still want to work on the project with you guys.

But I know, I have to choose to leave if that day ever comes. I don’t want to be remembered as the selfish ass who refused to share anything. I don’t want to be.

What if I really have to leave one day, what would you say to me?

Would you even bid goodbye to me?

Or would you be glad that I’m finally, gone…