Shouldn’t have woken up that early this morning, been crying for the past few hours. Quarreled with my mum. Yes, what’s new? Honestly, I’m really really tired of living in this house. Yes, it doesn’t even qualify to be called a home. It’s just a house, house, house. No warmth, no love, just strangers.

I mean, we get to choose our own route in life. Sister chose to work and study part time. I had made my point that I will never ever want to work while studying. Daddy and you chose not to take up the bank loan. Well, not exactly. You guys only chose to take up the bank loan when the application had closed. *shrugs*

Not my fault.

It’s certain that sister is sore that you guys are paying for my University education. But you know what? You don’t have to be affected by it at all. It’s not as though I would run away after I had completed my University education. I had already made that point clear when we quarreled over the same old issue months ago. In fact, it makes me realised that I ought to do more after I had completed my University education.

Hey, Daddy and Mummy are working so hard just so that I can complete my University education. There’s no way that I should let them down. And since they are paying for my University education, I should be the one paying for my little sister’s University education, because Daddy and Mummy would be far too old to work by then. They definitely deserve a better life when they get older.

That’s nothing but the truth from the bottom of my heart.

I never had the intention to pay back every single cent of my university fee at one go. I thought that it would be decent enough just to give Daddy and Mummy some money every month when I work. But now? I’m just going to make it a point, a promise to myself, that I will pay back every single cent of my University education fee upon my first job, on top of the monthly allowances and paying for my little sister’s education. And, paying the interest if that makes her happy.

She chose to go for money, over her second daughter. Well, maybe not. I’m never your daughter. It’s only right that you chose money.

I always feel like a rejected child just because I am a half deafie. Imagine yourself being called as a deafie by your own mother. It certainly doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it makes me a lot more inferior. I grew up, really reserved, hiding from the rest of the world, because I am different.

It makes me wonder. If I was born deaf, would you have doted me more? Or would you just thrown me away. *shrugs*

You never ever asked me how it felt like being a half deafie, but Daddy did. You never ever stop sister when she mocked at me and called me a deafie. You joined her. What more can I say.

If I had known that taking up the bank loan would ease the discomfort my sister have in her, I would have taken it. I can’t believe that a family has to be that calculative with one another.

There’s still a lot I wish to say, but I don’t see the point. I don’t have a say in this house, I guess I am better off shutting myself in my room. No wait, she have problem with me, shutting myself in my room too. Like what little sister said:

Sister is financially independent and thus mummy is always giving in to her. Whatever we (little sister and me) do are always wrong.

And mummy is constantly reminding me that I’m living on her. Ok, I know. You don’t have to keep reminding me on that. I wouldn’t run away. And honestly, if you are sore about giving me money for lunch and transport, then don’t give birth to me in the very first place. That would have saved you lots of money. It’s not as though I always ask for extra allowances. In fact, I never ever did ask for anything extra. Never ever!

It’s not that I’m the one being overly sensitive. Even my 13 year old little sister could sense that bias-ness my mum has in her. Then again, at least little sister is not treated like a rejected child, like I am.

I know that my mum and sister never really like that I’m taking up community service. But that’s where I’ve gotten the love and the strength to live when I was much younger. Nothing from the family, but the outsiders. Thus, I’m just paying it forward. I know that both my mum and sister are mad that I would rather do something with no monetary benefits than to work.

I could have live with my own money if I had not paid off my Polytechnic education fee. Close to $6000 bucks, using nothing but my savings. But sister? Mummy just paid for her and she never returns a single cent. Sure enough, she did give them monthly allowances. But heck, that’s another issue. But did I ever complain? No. It doesn’t bother me at all. Not a bit. I mean, do we really have to be that calculative?

Honestly, I’m really tired. I wish there’s some place far away that I could run to; just hide myself and be alone.

Well, maybe not. I wish there’s someone I could talk to.

I can’t help but to wonder if my mum is really my mum.

Edit: Talked to Daddy about what happened this morning.

Don’t be bothered about what your mum and sister said. Just concentrate on your studies. Said he.

Need I say more?

Thanks: pathseeker, Pei Shan, Aneesah, Nana, someone, tiara