Shouldn’t have woken up that early this morning, been crying for the past few hours. Quarreled with my mum. Yes, what’s new? Honestly, I’m really really tired of living in this house. Yes, it doesn’t even qualify to be called a home. It’s just a house, house, house. No warmth, no love, just strangers.

I mean, we get to choose our own route in life. Sister chose to work and study part time. I had made my point that I will never ever want to work while studying. Daddy and you chose not to take up the bank loan. Well, not exactly. You guys only chose to take up the bank loan when the application had closed. *shrugs*

Not my fault.

It’s certain that sister is sore that you guys are paying for my University education. But you know what? You don’t have to be affected by it at all. It’s not as though I would run away after I had completed my University education. I had already made that point clear when we quarreled over the same old issue months ago. In fact, it makes me realised that I ought to do more after I had completed my University education.

Hey, Daddy and Mummy are working so hard just so that I can complete my University education. There’s no way that I should let them down. And since they are paying for my University education, I should be the one paying for my little sister’s University education, because Daddy and Mummy would be far too old to work by then. They definitely deserve a better life when they get older.

That’s nothing but the truth from the bottom of my heart.

I never had the intention to pay back every single cent of my university fee at one go. I thought that it would be decent enough just to give Daddy and Mummy some money every month when I work. But now? I’m just going to make it a point, a promise to myself, that I will pay back every single cent of my University education fee upon my first job, on top of the monthly allowances and paying for my little sister’s education. And, paying the interest if that makes her happy.

She chose to go for money, over her second daughter. Well, maybe not. I’m never your daughter. It’s only right that you chose money.

I always feel like a rejected child just because I am a half deafie. Imagine yourself being called as a deafie by your own mother. It certainly doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it makes me a lot more inferior. I grew up, really reserved, hiding from the rest of the world, because I am different.

It makes me wonder. If I was born deaf, would you have doted me more? Or would you just thrown me away. *shrugs*

You never ever asked me how it felt like being a half deafie, but Daddy did. You never ever stop sister when she mocked at me and called me a deafie. You joined her. What more can I say.

If I had known that taking up the bank loan would ease the discomfort my sister have in her, I would have taken it. I can’t believe that a family has to be that calculative with one another.

There’s still a lot I wish to say, but I don’t see the point. I don’t have a say in this house, I guess I am better off shutting myself in my room. No wait, she have problem with me, shutting myself in my room too. Like what little sister said:

Sister is financially independent and thus mummy is always giving in to her. Whatever we (little sister and me) do are always wrong.

And mummy is constantly reminding me that I’m living on her. Ok, I know. You don’t have to keep reminding me on that. I wouldn’t run away. And honestly, if you are sore about giving me money for lunch and transport, then don’t give birth to me in the very first place. That would have saved you lots of money. It’s not as though I always ask for extra allowances. In fact, I never ever did ask for anything extra. Never ever!

It’s not that I’m the one being overly sensitive. Even my 13 year old little sister could sense that bias-ness my mum has in her. Then again, at least little sister is not treated like a rejected child, like I am.

I know that my mum and sister never really like that I’m taking up community service. But that’s where I’ve gotten the love and the strength to live when I was much younger. Nothing from the family, but the outsiders. Thus, I’m just paying it forward. I know that both my mum and sister are mad that I would rather do something with no monetary benefits than to work.

I could have live with my own money if I had not paid off my Polytechnic education fee. Close to $6000 bucks, using nothing but my savings. But sister? Mummy just paid for her and she never returns a single cent. Sure enough, she did give them monthly allowances. But heck, that’s another issue. But did I ever complain? No. It doesn’t bother me at all. Not a bit. I mean, do we really have to be that calculative?

Honestly, I’m really tired. I wish there’s some place far away that I could run to; just hide myself and be alone.

Well, maybe not. I wish there’s someone I could talk to.

I can’t help but to wonder if my mum is really my mum.

Edit: Talked to Daddy about what happened this morning.

Don’t be bothered about what your mum and sister said. Just concentrate on your studies. Said he.

Need I say more?

I remembered that when I was little, daddy always come home, wearing dirty overalls, stained with oil and paint. I never really knew what daddy works as, not until when I got older. He was part of the team who laid the bricks when the old National Library was built; just an ordinary odd job labourer.

Years later, daddy went over to help his elder brother with his hawker stall. And since then, daddy had been working in the food industry with his brothers. And when his elder brother retired, he worked for his younger brother. Nah, he’s never the owner of the stalls, just an assistant. And I know daddy preferred it that way.

There’s just something about me and daddy. We don’t mind giving more even though we might be taken advantage of. We get contented really easily.

Daddy had been working for my uncle for many years. In fact, when he was working at the construction site many years ago, he was working for his cousin. His life mainly revolves around his siblings and relatives. Daddy doesn’t have many friends I guess, that’s one of our common traits too.

As much as I love warm weathers, I doubt that daddy would love them since working at the stall is much like being in an oven, with the poor ventilation. But, I hardly hear any complains from him. Sometimes, it really hurts to see the heat rashes he had on him. Not forgetting, being scald by the hot, splattering oil.

It must be really hard on him all these years, I thought. It must be.

Daddy rarely gets to take a rest. In fact, it was only during the recent years that he got to take a day off once every fortnight. And even when he was given that day off, daddy still goes down to clean up the stall. He’s always the first the open the stall, leaving home at 6 in the morning and only returning home around 3 in the afternoon.

But all these would come to an end later this month. Daddy would be out of job soon. The stall that my uncle owns would be taken by some other vendors due to the increase of rental from the present $7000 per month to $12000 per month. It’s pretty obvious that my uncle had to choose not to cling on to the stall.

Daddy’s not sure if uncle would open up a new stall in the estate near our place. Daddy’s intending to get back to what he did in his earlier years. Yes, back to the construction site. It really breaks my heart upon hearing that. He’s already close to 60.

Daddy ended up having to comfort and reassure me that things might not be that bad working at the construction site, since it is much windy. I doubt so, since he would be directly under the scorching sun.

I’m sure daddy’s not feeling really great these days. The sudden lost and emptiness in him. Times like these, I wish I’m financially independent.

Daddy, I just want you to be happy.

Last few meet-ups with friends before the hectic semester begins.

Yays, would be lunching with lunch buddy and one of our friends tomorrow and thereafter, dinning with my competition friends! Ahh, both are my favourite group of friends.

And, it’s pure coincidence that we’re meeting up for a meal on the same day.

I can’t wait to see my competition mentor and course director tomorrow. I’m sure they’ll say something about the lost opportunity. Hah. Perhaps I’ll get to bump into some of my nice juniors from Guides too.

I just love the feeling of going back to my old school. The familiarities, the nice people and the memories. :)

Whee. Will update again when I get back. :)

When they say time changes everything, it’s not exactly true. Sometimes certain feeling just doesn’t seem to fade away with time.

One cabin away; that’s exactly how close we were last night. Close? Well, maybe not. After all, I wasn’t observant enough to notice your existence.

Could have met for supper if you had made your presence known. I haven’t seen you for five long years. Either way, I’m really thankful that you called.

It really warm my heart to know that despite the distance and time, we still held a special position in each other’s heart.

Till the day we meet again; take care, my friend. :)